BLOG FEARS

My friend and colleague who is a marriage and family therapist and writer, Tracey Cleantis, LMFT,  traceycleantis.com recently wrote a blog called “Write a blog, change your life” http://www.labeletterouge.com/2010/09/write-a-blog-change-your-life.html Yesterday, I posted my first blog and it changed something because I could not sleep after I posted it! I started writing all kinds of blogs in my head! Luckily, I had ordered some spray bottles of flower essences from FES www.floweressencesociety.com which is called FLORASLEEP which I had planned to sell at one of my classes. You just spray a few squirts under your tongue and you know what? They work!

You might wonder why a blog affected my sleep. It has to do with the fear of blogging. One of my fears about writing a blog has to do with the fact that I am kind of a perfectionist and I want what I write to be perfectly clear. I want to be able to express my feelings on paper so to speak, but I am afraid that words always fall short. When I feel something, it is very hard to put those feelings into words, therefore, I want the words to be perfect. My writing with words is weak primarily because I am not a “big reader” (I am a recovered, self-diagnosed, ADHD-er). I remember my sister loved to read and I was much younger so when she read I would also pretend to read and BOY was that boring. (It is not really her fault but this is really how I came to think that reading was boring). Recently, my new excuse for why my written English is weak is because I lived abroad for 17 years and had to learn four other languages as well as speak really simple English in order to be understood. Up front then, my disclosure is that writing is not my strong suit.

The other fear that haunts me is the nagging thought that “who am I to think that anyone might be interested or care at all about what I write?” What does that feel like to have someone read your thoughts or feelings and then comment on them? Will I care or get offended if I am criticized? Most likely my true fear of blogging (and this is where my Jungian Therapist training kicks in) is really about being “seen”.

Why am I so afraid of being seen? What does that mean? Is it that my imperfections will be discovered? I am human and perfection does not exist but I guess will only accept myself by allowing myself to be seen for who I really am.

So here I go–I am diving into the unknown, just as I did when I recently performed in a local production of “The Vagina Monologues” which forced me to face my biggest fears-public speaking and being seen–exposing my perfectly human  imperfection.

I am writing this blog because I want to share my experiences. I feel an urgent need to get everything out of my head and onto “paper”.  My mind is so full of thoughts that they begin to take up too much space and I feel like I am going to burst! I want to share all I have experienced because it is flowing endlessly through me. Sometimes, I write whole commentaries in my mind so I have decided it really makes sense to write them down! No matter what, it is clear that my writing will be primarily therapeutic for me and hopefully in some way I will be able to at some point touch someone else’s life so that we can be imperfectly human together.